


I Feel Infinite

by Lethologicaa



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 1990s, Ben has awesome taste in music, Ben is confused, Ben likes writing letters, Ben needs friends, Fluff, He loves Rey, Inspired by The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Multi, So he meets Finn and Rey, deep, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-07-23 16:27:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16162589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lethologicaa/pseuds/Lethologicaa
Summary: Standing on the fringes of life, Ben Solo resorts to write his feelings to a complete stranger. He writes about his life, and how it changes when he meets Rey Niima.





	1. August 25th, 1991

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome to this new story I’m very excited to write. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower is my favorite book/movie ever, and I thought it would be fun to mix it with Star Wars-which is my second favorite movie- and I couldn’t be happier. Kudos and comments are infinitely appreaciated.
> 
> Also this song goes well with this chapter:
> 
> Asleep by The Smiths

August 25, 1991

 

Dear Friend,

 

I am writing to you because she said you’ll listen instead of abandoning me for the floozy whos already 3 drinks in. Which rattled me because I would. In an alternate universe, of course. But in this world, I, Ben Solo, wouldn’t even go to that party in the first place. Instead, the normal thing I would do friday nights is catch up from where I left off on _To Kill A Mockingbird._ Because that’s the person I am.

 

Anyway, please do not try to find out who I am, I really don’t want you doing that. (I’m only giving you my name because it’s unfair if I don’t) I’m already embracing the fact that somebody will read these, my most personal thoughts and think badly of me depending on something stupid I might tell you that I did.

 

Trust me, It’ll happen.

 

I didn’t enclose a return address for the same reason. Please don’t get offended by this. I mean nothing bad. Honest. It’s not that I don’t fathom this. I’m actually glad she recommended this to me, I feel a lot better already.

 

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad. I’m still trying figure how that could be. And thinking about my family as a reason for me being this way, helps some. Especially after my friend Mitaka, strangely didn’t show up at school one day last winter. Then we heard the principal over the speaker say, “Boys and Girls, I regret to inform you that a fellow classmate has passed on. We will hold a memorial service for Dopheld Mitaka during the assembly this friday.”

 

I usually don’t pay attention to the students who gossip around me at school. But earlier that morning I had been putting my books in my locker when my lockermate, Dave told me that Mitaka had killed himself. His mom had been getting his laundry when she saw him in his closet.

 

The only thing I really remember was my dad coming to pick me up from Mr. Cunningham’s office in my middle school and told me to stop crying. He put my arm around my shoulder and told me to let it all out before mom comes home. In which he had asked me to fix his Falcon with him for a distraction.

 

“Just to keep your mind away from those things, buddy.”

 

I nodded then spilled oil over the garage floor.

 

I must have been pretty messy because he just shook his head and patted me on the shoulder before going inside to get something to clean it. Usually he would’ve yelled at me and told me how much of a clumsy stooge I were and forced me to clean it. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come out. I guess I had let out too much on that day.

 

The guidance counselor at the session asked the few of us who knew Mitaka to say a some words. I’m pretty sure he did this because he was afraid that one of us would think about killing ourselves too, based on his tense look and the way he kept stroking his beard.

 

Mary who is crazy told us she was sad for what happened to him, and had thought about suicide when commercials come on during TV. She was genuine and this confused the guidance counselor. George who is nice to everyone in the whole school said that he felt very depressed, but he could never kill himself because it was a sin. The guidance counselor went through the whole group and finally came to me.

 

“What do you think Ben?”

 

What surprised me about this is that he knew my name. I had never visited or talked to this man in my whole life. And we didn’t even have name tags that we usually wore on the first day of school.

 

“Well I think that Mitaka was a nice person, and I don’t understand why he did it. It bothers me that I don’t know why, as much I feel sad.”

 

I reread that, and it honestly doesn’t sound like me at all.

 

The guidance counselor told me maybe it was because he had family problems at home and had nobody to talk to. Which didn’t reassure me at all, and I yelled at him, saying that he could’ve talked to me. Then the counselor said he meant a grownup like a teacher, or counselor.

 

I yelled and cried saying he was my only friend, and he could trust me. I couldn’t stop crying. Not even when my dad picked me up and told me to stop.

 

It kind of explains why I got better grades after that day. And teachers were nice and smiled at me. But even though I got straight A’s, I didn’t get any smarter. I think I made them all nervous.

 

Mitaka’s funeral was strange because his father didn’t cry. And three months later he left Mitaka’s mother. According to my lockermate, who keeps on talking me, for some unknown reason. I never talk back to him. I’m too scared.

 

But I wonder what Mitaka would’ve gone through. If he watched TV programs that made him think about suicide. He didn’t leave a note. Or maybe he did and his parents kept it to himself. If he did, maybe it would explain why he did it. Maybe it was “problems at home.” It would probably make a lot more sense if I knew, and I wish I knew. It would make me miss him more clearly.

 

One thing I do know is that it makes me wonder if I have “problems at home” but it seems to me that a lot of other people have it a lot worse.

 

Like I remember when my cousin was dumped by a boy she was very fond of. She cried the whole weekend. Dad told her “There are other people who have it worse.” And my mom was quiet. And that was that. A month later she found another boy and sang throughout the whole family barbecue. My dad kept fixing the falcon. And my mom kept cooking.

 

My mom cries a lot during TV programs. She is small but can be very fierce at sometimes. Although when my father screams, she keeps quiet. Sometimes I hope that she won’t just sit and be quiet and do something. Anything would be preferred.

 

My father is stubborn, but smart. He works everyday but at home, you’ll most likely find him in the garage. He minds his own business, but asks how we are once in a while.

 

It’s nice.

 

My Aunt Maz said that he would never have a midlife crisis because of his demeanor. I didn’t understand what she meant at the time, but when I think about it now, I do. Because my father just turned forty and is still the same.

 

I wish Aunt Maz were here to talk to me more like that. She always gave me new books to read, and my father commented that it’s too mature for my age. But I said that I liked it and he shrugged and left it alone.

 

But then something very bad happened to Aunt Maz, and because of that she lived with us for a few years of my life. I kept asking what happened to her and everyone was quiet. Eventually my dad got tired of it. He slapped me and told me to stop asking. He said that it was hurting her feelings. I cried hard and stopped asking. Aunt Maz told dad to never hit me again, and that it made her scared.

 

Mom stayed quiet. Eventually she took me upstairs and had a few drinks of white wine and told me what happened to Maz.

 

And it made me think that Aunt Maz had it a lot more worse than others. A lot worse.

 

It’s getting pretty late now. I should probably go to sleep. I couldn’t sleep at all so I think that’s why I started writing this. Because I start high school tomorrow and I’m really afraid of going.

Love always, Ben

 

                                                                                                                              

                                                                                                                        


	2. September 6, 1991

September 6, 1991

 

Dear friend,

 

I don’t like high school. And that’s saying a lot because I hated middle school already. I hated it because they treated you less than you already were. And now, high school just isn’t any better. They call the cafeteria, “the nutrition center” when all they serve is fats and carbs, and a small number of vegetables. Another reason is that Mary, the crazy girl who was friends with Mitaka as well, didn’t let me sit with her as she usually did last year. But ever since Mitaka passed, she acted as nothing happened. So at lunch, she was sitting with a boy I didn’t recognize. He had a ponytail and was tall. Taller than me. I rolled my eyes and sat alone for the whole lunch. I would’ve sat with Mitaka. If he was here, I would talk and laugh with him. Like normal friends do.

 

My classes so far aren’t that bad. I take advanced algebra, literature, and history. I take normal biology, though. I also take shop class and it is my favorite next to literature. Mostly because there’s this boy, who is ridiculously hilarious. He told the teacher to call him nothing and continued to sing atonally through the whole class. Nothing really has quite the nerve. I’m envious.

 

As I said, literature is my favorite class because of the teacher, who told me to call him Snap when we’re alone. He said this after class. He asked why I didn’t raise my hand when I clearly knew the answer to a question he asked the class. I was surprised he knew that I knew the answer. Most teachers don’t get me. Well, scratch that. Nobody gets me.

 

But I don't blame them.

 

I try to shut myself out from a lot of people. The therapist I had after Aunt Maz died told me that I should engage in more social activities. I haven't done anything about it ever since.

 

But something told me to go to the football game that Friday. Something inside me told me that I’d regret it if I didn’t. 

 

And so I did.

 

That was my first time going to a football game. To be honest, I was a bit scared. Mitaka told me once that people go there to get laid. Which was slightly confusing because it got me wondering. Where would they do it? Under the bleachers? That is highly unsanitary. No one would be that stupid to do something so inane right? You could be the judge of that. 

 

Anyway, I’m not saying I’m a pervert or anything but I’d probably do it under the bleachers if it means I’d have sex with a girl. I mean only if they’d agree to it. Seriously.

 

When I got there, I sat in the first row of many seats filled with upperclassmen. So I sat down and looked at the field. I got there a little bit after they started so it was still first half. But we were already winning. I’m not that into sports. Nor do I want to be. My dad said I have the body for it though. To which I scoffed and explained that I was abnormally tall. And I didn’t want to attract more attention to myself more than I already do. My dad always shook his head and muttered something about what a shame it was that I held so much potential. 

 

I sighed the thought away and tried to distract myself by watching the players grunt and sprint through the field. From the front row, you could see the cheerleaders from up close. Most of them gave me funny looks like I had a second head. I rolled my eyes looked behind me when everyone started cheering and jumping up from their seats. And suddenly I knew why I never went to these. Too damn loud. 

 

There was this particularly loud person making the most annoying cheering so I moved my head to the side to see Nothing-Finn, which is his real name, from my shop class. I inhaled as I thought of an idea. What could possibly go wrong if I introduced myself to him?

 

So I got up and went to his row and sat on the bleacher next to him. The only thing separating us was the stairs to go up the different levels of the seats. I tried to be subtle and casually looked around and pretend to ignore Finn. Two girls climbed up the stairs and passed Finn saying, “Hey Nothing.” And he responded, “Oh suck it virginity pledges!” Which made me chuckle.

 

Then when he finished cheering for one of the players, Poe Dameron, I called out to him.

 

“Hey, Finn.”

 

He turned next to him and a smiled inched from his face. He cocked his head and pointed at me, “Hey, you’re in my shop class right? How’s your clock coming?”

 

I shrugged. “My dad is building it for me.”

 

He laughed. “Yeah, mine looks like a boat.” We both chuckled to his joke.

 

After a moment he asked, “Do you want to sit over here? Or are you waiting for your friends…?”

 

“Oh uh no, no, I'll sit.” I stood up and crossed the stairs to his side of the bleachers and sat down next to him. 

 

“Thanks for not calling me Nothing by the way,” He glanced at me and moved his eyes to the field again, “It’s an endless nightmare. These assholes actually think they’re being original. 

 

I nodded and decided I should ask him something. “So, uh, do you like football?”

 

“Love it. Just love it.”

I nodded again and was about to ask him If he knew my dad who played football in this very high school too years ago, when he looked over me and said, “Hey, Rey.”

 

When I turned to see who he was addressing, I didn’t want to look away.

 

Standing right next to me was the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen my whole life. She sat next to me and asked who I was. My mouth wouldn’t work so thankfully Patrick introduced me to Rey. She waved at me with her small thin hands. Rey has brown hair and very very pretty green-brown eyes. The kind of green-brown eyes that doesn’t make a big deal about itself. I didn’t notice it at that moment though, the stadium lights washed her eyes a little.

 

It wasn’t until we went to Takodana Cafe, and Finn and Rey started to smoke that I got a good look at her. She was drizzled with freckles and had dimples when she smiled. 

 

The nice thing about the cafe was the fact that Finn and Rey didn’t just throw around inside jokes and expect me to understand or keep up. Not at all. They asked me questions.

 

“How old are you, Ben?”

 

“Fifteen.”

 

“What do you want to do when you grow up”

 

“I don’t know yet.”

 

“What’s your favorite band?”

 

“I think maybe the Smiths because I love their song ‘Asleep,’ but I’m really not sure one way or the other because I don’t know any other songs by them too well.”

 

“What’s your favorite movie.”

 

“I don’t know really. They’re all the same to me.”

 

“How about your favorite book?”

 

“ _ To Kill A Mockingbird  _ by Harper Lee.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because it was the last one I read.”

 

That made them laugh because they knew I meant it honest, not to show-off. Then they told me their favorites, and we sat quietly. I ate the pumpkin pie because the lady said it was in season, and Finn and Rey smoked some more cigarettes.

 

I looked at them, and they looked very happy together A good kind of happy. And even though I thought Rey was really pretty and nice, and she was the first girl I ever wanted to ask out on a date someday when I can drive, I did not mind that she had a boyfriend, especially if he was a good guy like Finn.

 

“How long have you been ‘going out’?” I asked.

 

They started laughing. Really hard.

 

“What’s so funny?” I said.

 

“We’re brother and sister,” Finn said, still laughing.

 

“But you don’t look alike,” I said

 

That’s when Rey explained that she was actually adopted into the family a few years ago. She must have known that I felt sorry when she said that she was very happy with her family. I then was very happy to know that because I would really like to ask Sam on a date someday. I really would. She is so nice. 

 

I’m afraid I’ll lose them. Rey especially. I really hope that I won’t screw up this nice thing I have with her. It would be very nice to have a friend again. I would like it more than a date.

 

Love always,

Ben

  
  



	3. October 14, 1991

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy reading!

October 14, 1991

Dear Friend,

I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in a couple of weeks, but these past few weeks were just the best. I spent most of my time with Finn and Rey. Before I tell you the best weeks of my life, I should probably point out something first. Finn and Rey are Juniors. I don’t have any classes with Rey, but the only class I share with Finn is sixth period. I know I mentioned that in the last letters, I just wanted to refresh your memory.

So a few days ago, on a Friday, Finn, Rey, and I went to a football game again. I don’t know why we went. Rey always complains about the people there. She’s always venting about the posers and people who think they are original with the band t-shirts they didn’t know of or listen to. Rey went as far to walk up to a blonde girl with big blue eyes, who was wearing a David Bowie tour shirt and quiz her on David Bowie.

“How many albums did he make?”

“Excuse me?”

“Name five of his songs.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

“The shirt you’re wearing, It’s David Bowie.”

The girl had glanced down at her shirt before furrowing her eyebrows at her and said something that was apparently really insulting to David Bowie that Finn and I had to hold Rey back from pouncing on the girl.

Rey was a feisty one. And I think I got a little turned on when she did that.

Anyway, Finn had complained to Rey that it was pointless and childish to murder posers and told her it wasn’t worth it. Then Rey had sighed and said that he was right and they were just oblivious losers. We all laughed at that and decided to leave and go to Takodana’s for milkshakes and burgers.

Right through my sip through my strawberry milkshake, Rey bounced up from her seat and surprised Finn and me.  
“I totally forgot Cassian is having a party tonight! Let’s go right now!”

“Oh my god, how can we be so stupid,” Finn exclaimed as he hastily tried to look for money in his wallet. “Rose literally mentioned it at lunch today.”

“Who’s Rose?” I asked.

Finn and Rey looked at each other and smiled. They rose from their seats and I followed suit.

“Come on, we’ll introduce you to everybody.”

Finn drove us to a house not that far from the diner, that looked pretty decent. There weren’t lots of cars than I expected as they showed in the movies. The house was white with some brick details to it. It pretty much was the epitome of a “middle-class family home in the suburbs.”

Rey had explained on the way there that her friend, Cassian, who was a college student, hosted the best parties. She said she even dated him once when she was a freshman and he was a senior before he met the love of his life, Jyn Erso. Then Rey told me that it wasn’t smart to mess with Jyn because apparently, she was really good in combat. Which made me pale a little bit.

When we arrived, we had barely begun to walk up the steps when the door swung open to reveal a tan-skinned man with short black hair and some scruff on his beaming face.

“Oh my god, what a surprise. The brother and sister are late to a party hosted by me. I am officially offended.” He had said with a rather quite lovely Hispanic accent.

“Oh shut up Cassian.” Rey said and hugged the man.

“Cassian are you ever going back to college? I swear it’d do you good.” Finn had said when he hugged him after Rey.

“Fuck that man. College smollege. That funky bullshit is not for me. Besides, I have a plan.” he smirked.

“I’d love to hear that very much,” Rey rolled her eyes before gesturing behind her, where I stood awkwardly and had let them catch up, “This is our new friend, Ben. Ben, this is Cassian. A close friend of mine.”

“Hey, kid.” Cassian nodded at me.

“Hey.” I waved awkwardly at him.

“Oh! Where are my host manners? Come inside you crazy kids!”

Cassian led us through the homey space briefly, guiding us through a cozy living room and a narrow hallway with some photos framed and placed neatly apart on the walls. I was kind of disconcerted that there were no people inside the house but then we went down the basement steps and it was all clear.

Well, not technically clear because the basement was fogged with smoke and crowded with teenagers I didn’t recognize. There was lo-fi music playing in the background, a bar, and a pool table people were sitting on instead of playing it.

“Enjoy yourselves, kids, I gotta make sure no one didn’t break anything while I was gone.” With that, Cassian trotted towards the end of the room near a group of people standing close to some sculptures that looked very fragile.

Rey looked around before smiling and leading us to a couch in front of the fireplace. Sitting on the couch were two girls that wore gothic clothes, One even had a nose ring which was really cool.

“Hey, guys,” Rey said to the girls, “This is Ben. Please be nice to him.”

I then noticed that Finn wasn’t with us and watched Rey walk through the crowded room.

Turning back, I smiled at the girls and they patted the seat in between them, indicating that I should sit.

I sat in between them and placed my hands on my knees.

“Well if it isn’t the infamous Ben Solo I’ve been hearing so much about. Rey didn’t tell me you were so tall. You’re a freshman right?” The girl with the nose ring asked.

She didn’t let me answer because she laughed then introduced herself. “I’m Rose Tico and this is Jessika Pava.” She gestured to the girl sitting to the right of me. I waved awkwardly again.

“How old are you?” Jessika asked.

“I’ll be sixteen in November.”

“How tall are you?” Rose asked.

“6’2 last I checked.”

They both hummed and continued to ask me weird personal questions. But it was uncanny how similar some of the questions they asked were just the same when Finn and Rey had asked me at the diner all those weeks ago.

I was beginning to feel a little hungry, which was reasonable because I had barely eaten the burger I ordered at the diner earlier and just took a couple of sips of the milkshake. And conveniently, Cassian had interrupted Rose and Jessika’s questionnaire by carrying a tray with brownies and asked if I wanted some.

My stomach grumbled and I didn’t hesitate to grab the top one form the stack.

The brownie tasted great, but it wasn’t really the best I’ve had. It had a weird taste to it too. It was something funny that for the life of me I couldn’t figure out. Nonetheless, I ate it all under a minute. But for some reason, Cassian, Rose, and Jessika found it really hilarious that I ate the brownie. I was really confused.

Since you are older, I think you know what kind of brownie it was.

After thirty minutes, the room started to slip away from me. I was talking to Rose from the ground- How did I get there? I don’t know-and she seemed like she was in a movie. I started blinking a lot and looking around, and the music sounded like heavy water.

Rey came back and when she saw me, she turned to Cassian.

“What the hell is your problem?”

“Come on, Rey. He likes it. Ask him.”

“How do you feel, Ben.”

“Light.”

“You see?” Cassian actually looked a little nervous, which I was later told was paranoia.

Rey sat down next to me and held my hand, which felt very warm. She was always warm. “Are you seeing anything, Ben?”

“Light.”

“Does it feel good?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Are you thirsty?”

“Uh-huh.”

“What would you like to drink?”

“A milkshake.”

And everyone in the room, except Rey, erupted in laughter.

“He’s baked.”

“Are you hungry, Ben?”

“Uh-huh.”

“What would you like to eat?”

“A milkshake.”

I don’t think they would have laughed any harder even if what I said was at all funny. Then, Rey took my hand with her warm one and stood me up on the dizzy floor.  
“C’mon. We’ll get you a milkshake.”

As we were leaving, Rey turned to Cassian.

“I still think you’re an asshole.”

All Cassian did was laugh. And Rey finally laughed too. And I was glad that everyone seemed as happy as they seemed.

Rey and I got up to the kitchen, and she turned on the light. Wow! It was so bright, I couldn’t believe it. It was like when you see a movie in the theater during the day, and when you leave the movie, you can’t believe it’s still daylight outside. Rey got some ice cream and some milk and a blender. I asked her where the bathroom was, and she pointed around the corner almost like it was her house. I guess she spent a lot of time here when she and Cassian were dating.

When I got out of the bathroom, I heard a noise in the room next to me. I opened the door, and I saw Finn kissing Poe. It was a stolen type of kissing, They heard me in the door and turned around from where they were sitting on the bed. Finn spoke first.

“Ben?”

“Rey’s making me a milkshake.”

“Who is this kid?” Poe just looked really nervous and not in the Cassian way.

“He’s a friend of mine. Relax.”

Finn then took me out of the room and closed the door. He put his hands on my arms since he couldn’t really stare me down correctly if he did. But he did look me straight up in the eye.

“Poe doesn’t want people to know.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s scared.”

“Why?”

“Because he is… Wait… are you baked?”

“Like a cake.”

Finn tried to keep from laughing. “Listen, Ben. Poe doesn’t want people to know. I need you to promise that you won’t tell anyone. This will be our little secret. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Thanks.”

With that, Finn turned around and went back into the room. I heard some muffled voices, and Poe seemed upset, but I didn’t think it was any of my business, so I went back to the kitchen.

I have to say that Rey’s milkshake was the best milkshake I ever had in my life. Even better than Takodana’s milkshakes. It was so delicious, it almost scared me.

Before we left the party, Rey played me a few of her favorite songs. One was called “Blackbird.” The other was called “Tugboat.” They were both very beautiful. I mentioned the titles because they were as great when I listened to them sober.

Another interesting thing happened at the party before we left. Finn came downstairs. I guess Poe had left. And Finn smiled. And Cassian started making fun of him having a crush on the quarterback. And Finn smiled more. I don’t think I ever saw Finn smile so much. Then, Finn pointed at me, and said something to Cassian.

“He’s something, isn’t he?”

Cassian nodded his head. Finn then said something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

“He’s a wallflower.”

And Cassian really nodded his head. And the whole room nodded their head. And I started to feel nervous in the Cassian way, but Finn didn’t let me get too nervous. He sat down next to me.

“You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.”  
I didn’t know that other people thought things about me. I didn’t know that they looked. I was sitting on the floor of a basement of my first real party between Rey and Finn, and I remembered that Rey introduced me as her friend to Cassian. And I remembered that Finn had done the same for Poe. And I almost cried. Then I did. And nobody in that room looked at me weird for doing it.

Cassian raised his drink and asked everyone to do the same.

“To Ben.”

And the whole group said, “To Ben.”

I didn’t know why they did that, but it was very special to me that they did. Especially Rey. Especially her.

The last thing that was special about that night is when we drove back, we went through a tunnel and Rey had got up and put her hands up in the sky and the wind in her hair made her look like an angel. All while she did that, Finn had played a very beautiful song called “Landslide.” When we got out of the tunnel, Rey screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Rey sat down and started laughing. Finn started laughing. I started laughing.

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

Love always,  
Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs mentioned:
> 
> Blackbird- The Beatles
> 
> Tugboat- Galaxie 500
> 
> Landslide- Fleetwood Mac


	4. November 7, 1991

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the late update and short chapter.

November 7, 1991

Dear friend,

You’re probably used to getting letters once a month now. I originally wanted to write every day, since it is really therapeutic for me, but lately I've just been hanging out with Rey and Finn that they’re kind of my anchors now. We’re at the point where I involuntary smile and “Light up,” As Finn said when I see my friends. Even Rose and Jessica. All of us go to Cassian’s party every Friday and every time Finn would disappear with Poe and nobody would judge. They all understood.

Perhaps I should explain their story. Finn told me that he met Poe when they both were sophomores. And they were at a part together with the rest of the popular kids. Finn actually used to be popular before Rey brought him some good music.

Finn and Poe both got pretty drunk at this party. Actually, Finn said that Poe was pretending to be a lot drunker than he really was. They were sitting in the basement with some girl named Heather, and when she left to go to the bathroom, Poe and Finn were left alone. Finn said it was uncomfortable and exciting for both of them.

“You’re in Mr. Brosnahan’s class, right?”

“Have you ever gone to a Pink Floyd Laser Light Show?”

“Beer before liquor. Never sicker.”

When they ran out of small talk, they just looked at each other.

And then they ended up fooling around right there in the basement. Finn said it was like the weight of the whole world left both their shoulders.

But Monday in school, Poe kept saying the same thing.

“Man, I was so wasted. I don’t remember a thing.”

He said it to everyone who was at the party. He said it a few times to the same people. He even said it to Finn. Nobody saw Finn and Poe fool around, but Poe kept saying it anyway. That Friday, there was another. And this time Finn and Poe got stoned although Finn said that Poe was pretending to be a lot more stoned than he really was. And they ended up fooling around again. And Monday in school, Poe did the same thing.

“Man, I was so wasted. I don’t remember a thing.”

This went on for seven months.

It got to a point where Poe was getting stoned or drunk before school. It’s not like he and Finn were fooling around in school. They only fooled around at parties on Fridays, but Finn said Poe couldn’t even look at him in the hall, let alone speak with him. And it was hard too because Finn really liked Poe.

When summer came, Poe didn’t have to worry about school or anything, so his drinking and smoking got a lot worse. There was a big party at Finn and Rey’s house with the less than popular crowd. Poe showed up, which caused quite a stir because he was popular, but Finn kept a secret as to why Poe came to the party. When most people left, Poe and Finn went into Finn’s room.

They had sex for the first time that night.

I don’t want to go into detail about it because it’s pretty private stuff, but I will say that Poe assumed the role of the girl in terms of where you put things. I think that’s pretty important to tell you. When they were finished, Poe started to cry really hard. He had been drinking a lot. And getting really really stoned.

No matter what Finn did, Poe kept crying. Poe wouldn’t even let Finn hold him, which seems rather sad to me because if I have sex with someone, I would want to hold them.

Finally, Finn just pulled Poe’s pants, and said to him, “Just pretend you’re passed out.”

Then, Finn got dressed and walked around the house to go into the party from a different direction than his bedroom. He was also crying pretty bad, and he decided if anyone asked him, he would say his eyes were red from smoking pot. Finally, he shook himself out of it and walked into the main party room. He acted really drunk. He went to Rey. “Have you seen Poe?” Rey saw the look in Finn’s eyes. Then, she spoke up to the party.

“Hey, has anyone seen Poe?”

Nobody at the party had, so a few people went to search for him. They finally found him in Finn’s room...asleep.

Finally, Finn called Poe’s parents because he was really worried about him. He didn’t tell them why, but he said that Poe was really sick at this party and needed to be taken home. Poe’s parents did come, and Poe’s father, along with some of the other boys including Finn, carried Poe to the car.

Finn doesn’t know if Poe was really asleep or not at that point, but if he wasn’t, it was a good acting acting job. Poe’s parents sent him to rehabilitation because Poe’s father didn’t want him to miss his chance at a football scholarship. Finn didn’t see Poe for the whole summer.

Poe’s parents never did figure out why their son was getting stoned and drunk all the time. Neither did anybody else. Except the people who knew.

When the school year started, Poe avoided Finn a lot. He never went to the same parties as Finn or anything until a little over a month ago. That was the night he threw rocks at Finn’s window and told Finn that nobody could know, and Finn understood. They only see each other now at night on golf courses and at parties like Cassian’s where the people are quiet and understood these things.

I asked Finn if he felt sad that he had to keep it a secret, and Finn just said that he wasn’t sad because at least now, Poe doesn’t have to get drunk or stoned to make love.

Love always, Ben

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I love you all so much! Don’t worry, Rey comes in next chapter along with Finn :)
> 
> Let me know what you guys think?


End file.
